CSI: NASA (Chili Scene Investigation)
Chili cookoff 2008
Announcer: Thanks
for watching “Dancing with the Astronauts”. Stay tuned for “CSI: NASA”, in a
story ripped from the headlines, here on NASA TV.
[Brief CSI theme music. CSI
members enter the office of Mike Coats, JSC center director]
McGroin: Mr.
Coats, I’m agent Pat McGroin, and this is Agent Anita Margarita. We’re with CSI,
Chili Scene Investigation.
Margarita: We have
reports that the polygamist sect whose compound was recently raided in west
Texas has been in contact with one or more of the JSC chili cookoff teams. We are
conducting an investigation.
McGroin: The cult
may have a major effect on the chili cookoff judging. It’s currently too close
to call, and may come down to the superdelegates.
Coats: You’re
welcome to look around, but with the recent MOD musical chairs reorg we’re not
sure where anyone is any more.
McGroin: We need
to check out Mission Control. Is it still over in Building 30, or did that get
shuffled over to 600 Gemini?
Coats: No, Mission
Control is temporarily over at Regents Park until we get it moved back to its
permanent location in Bldg 30.
[McGroin and Margarita head to
bldg 30]
Guard: Can I
see your badges please? Those don’t look like the new HSPD-12 approved badges.
See that green stripe? That means it’s valid only on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th
Thursdays of the month plus any day when the digits in the day of the month add
up to 7. You need the one with the green, yellow, and red tie-dye.
Margarita: We need
to get into MCC. Please?
Guard: Oh, OK,
then go ahead. Go through these doors, hang a right, go to the second floor,
hang a left.
[McGroin and Margarita go to MCC]
PAO: This is
Mission Control, Houston. Control of this investigation into the role of a
polygamist cult in the chili cookoff, held on the grounds here at the Johnson
Space Center annually around this time, has shifted to Houston. Members of CSI:
NASA are interviewing those on console supporting the International Space
Station’s ongoing mission to boldly go where only 16 Expedition crews have gone
before. This is Mission Control, Houston.
Margarita: So who
were the flight controllers on console at the time of the raid?
PAO: During
the mission, we had Who’s on Flight, What’s on Capcom, I Don’t Know’s on EVA…
McGroin: You’re
the PAO, don’t you know the names of the flight controllers?
PAO: I just
told you, Who’s on Flight, What’s on Capcom, I Don’t Know’s on EVA.
McGroin: Who’s on
Flight?
PAO: Yes.
McGroin: The
guy’s name.
PAO: Yes.
McGroin: The
guy’s name is Yes?
PAO: No, Who.
McGroin: That’s
what I’m asking you. What’s the guy’s name on Flight?
PAO: No, What
is the guy’s name on Capcom. Who is on Flight.
McGroin: I Don’t
Know.
PAO: Oh, she’s EVA.
Margarita: He’s no help, No wonder there’s no PAO chili cookoff team any more. Let’s talk to someone in Constellation.
PAO: The
investigation team has now shifted to the Constellation program. This is
Mission Control, Houston.
[McGroin and Margarita go to Cx
and as they pass by some people, they’re talking.]
Person 1: … if oil
prices get any higher, we’re going to have to start using chili to fuel the Ares
rockets.
Person 2: Well,
I’ve heard that ______ Chili does give you lots of gas, and ______ Chili is
pretty explosive when it comes out, if you know what I mean.
Person 1: At the
rate they’re going, we’ll be getting our funding from President Chelsea
Clinton before we get any rockets off the ground towards the moon. It’s NASA’s
50th anniversary, we should be celebrating its history, not watching clips on
YouTube embedded in some Myspace page.
Person 2: I hear
Gallery Furniture wants to buy the naming rights to the Launch Pad at KSC. At
least someone is interested in the Constellation program outside of NASA.
[They continue to walk off-stage]
Margarita: You
know, Pat, we’re just wandering around aimlessly right now, not getting
anything accomplished, like any of the Presidential Candidates when asked about
their plans for the future of the space program.
McGroin: Let’s
get to the bottom of this. We’re investigating a polygamist cult, this isn’t
some lame script thrown together at the last minute by some striking Hollywood
writer.
Margarita: Let’s
get to the cookoff and collect samples. That’s what all good CSIs do, let’s
swab everything!
[At the cookoff]
McGroin: Surfin’
Chili, huh? That sounds pretty subversive and polygamist. Let’s start there.
Their booth does resemble a cult compound.
Margarita: There’s
no need for alarm, but we’re going to need to take a sample of your chili for
DNA testing, and we’ll need hair samples and fingerprints from everyone.
Surfin Chili team captain: Oui,
oui, we are not afraid.
[Montage music, people acting all
scientific]
Margarita: We have
some results. Your chili tested positive for Slime in the Ice Machine, but Marvin
Zindler isn’t here anymore to shut you down. We did find a DNA connection
between members of your team and the polygamist cult leadership.
McGroin: It seems
that for the last 30 years one person has been secretly sneaking off site and
fathering children, for the sole purpose of creating a chili cookoff team of
his offspring. Though nobody else would know, it would finally allow him to
award the Judge’s Choice Award to his children’s team without raising any suspicion.
Surfin Captain: You mean
we’re all related? But some of us are married to other team members! I thought
only Oklahoma had family trees with no branches! Who’s our father then?
Margarita: None
other than…. [dramatic pause]… that man, right over there, MILT HEFLIN!
All: [run
over to him] DADDY!
[We ask Daddy to lead us in the
T-E-A-M teeeeeeeeeeam DRINK! Cheer]
ANNOUNCER
PAT MCGROIN
ANITA MARGARITA
MIKE COATS
GUARD
PAO (Bob Flavius)
CX PERSON 1
CX PERSON 2
SURFIN CHILI TEAM CAPT